Two Hands is OK

by Free Swim

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A man is so busy he decides to have two extra hands grafted onto his chest.

Written, performed and recorded by Paul Coltofeanu.


released January 17, 2011



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Free Swim Prague, Czech Republic


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Track Name: I'll Graft Two Extra Hands On My Chest
There was once a man so incredibly busy
Being a father a son and a salesman

He grafted two new hands to his chest
He grafted two new hands to his chest

Now he could sign more documentation
And multitask much more efficiently

He’d watch Hornblower on DVD
Pat his youngest son on the head
Listen to mother on the iPhone
Eat a meal deal from the store

Oh beautiful day
Multitasking efficiently, indefinitely

He pleasured his wife, he pleasured himself
He became a djembe virtuoso
He toured the world playing prestigious concert halls
Where they charged extortionate prices for drinks

How long would this happiness last?
Track Name: Actually, Two Hands is OK
I guess you’d think he’d never sink
When swimming with all that extra manpower
He could crawl, butterfly with so much ease
Play some cards, origami, sail the seas, if he pleased
Play some cards, origami, sail the seas, if he pleased

I guess you’d hope he’d more than cope
With the demands of life in the fast lane
Send a text, read a fax, make a call
Nothing left unfinished what control, life was great, life was great so he thought

All went well, until one year
He received two Rubix Cubes for Christmas
What a gift, he first thought on opening,
How little he knew, the panic soon to come, oh the ignorance
How little he knew, the panic soon to come, the ignorance, the ignorance, the ignorance

At first it was, a harmless game
Who could complete their cube that bit quicker
But in time, they grew fierce, lost control
They would not let him do anything else, oh no
They would not let him do anything else, oh no

He never opened the letter that
Contained a £300 tax rebate, careless
Cause his hands, were so frantically obsessed
With their cubes and the promise they possessed

Two hands is ok Two hands is ok
When you really think about it
Oh it’s two for a reason, be content
Oh it’s two for a reason, be content
Track Name: Rubik's Rue
His wife suggested he have the hands taken off
But despite the problem he’d grown rather fond of them
Have you never seen those TV shows about how
People get addicted to cosmetic surgery?
Or Stockholm Syndrome when you develop
A strange pity or affection for your kidnapper.?
Well he’d developed a strange pity and affection for his extra hands
They were like a beautiful, multicoloured sea of blur
As they raced to complete the puzzle
I’m aware that’s a slightly lazy metaphor
But I only studied English to GCSE.
Anyway, I digress, at last, having consulted
His wife Magda and his best friend Curtis,
He realised it would be for the best to have the extra hands removed. He had spent all his money on having the hands grafted
In the first place so he had to go NHS for the removal.
This meant waiting. So he just sat at home and watched
His Hornblower box set on repeat.

It was kind of ironic because when he’d first had the extra hands
Attached he used to sit in his armchair smug
That he could do so many things at the same time
But now he was stuck at home unable to do anything.
It was pretty bleak. At night he began to dream of having
Just two hands again that worked normally
And he started to realise that although life had been getting on top of him
A bit when he only had two hands, he figured it wasn’t so bad
And that when the surgery was over, he would be much more
Appreciative of just having two, regular, fully functioning hands.
I guess there is a moral to this story somewhere.
Finally he got a date for his operation and it coincided
With his mother-in-law’s birthday.
She had been appalled at the whole affair,
But that was to be expected because if you go by the widely-held
Stereotype, mother-in-laws are pretty much appalled by
Anything that doesn’t involve the drive to the conception of,
Or the spending of time with Grandchilden.

Thankfully our hero had provided her with two grandchildren,
But she was still wholly suspicious of him and resented
The money he spent following Redhill FC around the
South of England every year.
That was money that could have been spent on educating the
Children privately in her opinion.
Anyway, I digress again. The operation was a success
And the two hands were safely removed from his chest.
He had them put in formaldehyde where they are now
Presented in a museum in London.
In an unprecedented case, it is illegal to take a Rubix Cube
Within 1 mile of them because they twith.
Sadly, he was no longer the djembe player he was before,
But comforted himself with the fact he had the use of two hands again.
His mother-in-law was just annoyed that her 63rd birthday had been
Overshadowed by his surgery.
Track Name: Quality Time With the Wife and Kids
Happy days are here once again
He can play connect 4 with his kids again
Sometimes they cheat
Sometimes he cheats
But most important is quality time

Happiness is here once again
He can touch his wife with his hands again
Sometimes she says no
Sometimes she says yes
But most important is quality time

Two Hands is OK
Two Hands is OK
When you really think about it
Sometimes life get hard
Sometimes things get tough
But most important is quality time
Most important is quality time