There was once a man so incredibly busy Being a father a son and a salesman He grafted two new hands to his chest He grafted two new hands to his chest Now he could sign more documentation And multitask much more efficiently He’d watch Hornblower on DVD Pat his youngest son on the head Listen to mother on the iPhone Eat a meal deal from the store Oh beautiful day Multitasking efficiently, indefinitely He pleasured his wife, he pleasured himself He became a djembe virtuoso He toured the world playing prestigious concert halls Where they charged extortionate prices for drinks How long would this happiness last?

I guess you’d think he’d never sink When swimming with all that extra manpower He could crawl, butterfly with so much ease Play some cards, origami, sail the seas, if he pleased Play some cards, origami, sail the seas, if he pleased I guess you’d hope he’d more than cope With the demands of life in the fast lane Send a text, read a fax, make a call Nothing left unfinished what control, life was great, life was great so he thought All went well, until one year He received two Rubix Cubes for Christmas What a gift, he first thought on opening, How little he knew, the panic soon to come, oh the ignorance How little he knew, the panic soon to come, the ignorance, the ignorance, the ignorance At first it was, a harmless game Who could complete their cube that bit quicker But in time, they grew fierce, lost control They would not let him do anything else, oh no They would not let him do anything else, oh no He never opened the letter that Contained a £300 tax rebate, careless Cause his hands, were so frantically obsessed With their cubes and the promise they possessed Two hands is ok Two hands is ok When you really think about it Oh it’s two for a reason, be content Oh it’s two for a reason, be content

His wife suggested he have the hands taken off But despite the problem he’d grown rather fond of them Have you never seen those TV shows about how People get addicted to cosmetic surgery? Or Stockholm Syndrome when you develop A strange pity or affection for your kidnapper.? Well he’d developed a strange pity and affection for his extra hands They were like a beautiful, multicoloured sea of blur As they raced to complete the puzzle I’m aware that’s a slightly lazy metaphor But I only studied English to GCSE. Anyway, I digress, at last, having consulted His wife Magda and his best friend Curtis, He realised it would be for the best to have the extra hands removed. He had spent all his money on having the hands grafted In the first place so he had to go NHS for the removal. This meant waiting. So he just sat at home and watched His Hornblower box set on repeat. It was kind of ironic because when he’d first had the extra hands Attached he used to sit in his armchair smug That he could do so many things at the same time But now he was stuck at home unable to do anything. It was pretty bleak. At night he began to dream of having Just two hands again that worked normally And he started to realise that although life had been getting on top of him A bit when he only had two hands, he figured it wasn’t so bad And that when the surgery was over, he would be much more Appreciative of just having two, regular, fully functioning hands. I guess there is a moral to this story somewhere. Finally he got a date for his operation and it coincided With his mother-in-law’s birthday. She had been appalled at the whole affair, But that was to be expected because if you go by the widely-held Stereotype, mother-in-laws are pretty much appalled by Anything that doesn’t involve the drive to the conception of, Or the spending of time with Grandchilden. Thankfully our hero had provided her with two grandchildren, But she was still wholly suspicious of him and resented The money he spent following Redhill FC around the South of England every year. That was money that could have been spent on educating the Children privately in her opinion. Anyway, I digress again. The operation was a success And the two hands were safely removed from his chest. He had them put in formaldehyde where they are now Presented in a museum in London. In an unprecedented case, it is illegal to take a Rubix Cube Within 1 mile of them because they twith. Sadly, he was no longer the djembe player he was before, But comforted himself with the fact he had the use of two hands again. His mother-in-law was just annoyed that her 63rd birthday had been Overshadowed by his surgery.

Happy days are here once again He can play connect 4 with his kids again Sometimes they cheat Sometimes he cheats But most important is quality time Happiness is here once again He can touch his wife with his hands again Sometimes she says no Sometimes she says yes But most important is quality time Two Hands is OK Two Hands is OK When you really think about it Sometimes life get hard Sometimes things get tough But most important is quality time Most important is quality time