Rubik's Rue

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His wife suggested he have the hands taken off
But despite the problem he’d grown rather fond of them
Have you never seen those TV shows about how
People get addicted to cosmetic surgery?
Or Stockholm Syndrome when you develop
A strange pity or affection for your kidnapper.?
Well he’d developed a strange pity and affection for his extra hands
They were like a beautiful, multicoloured sea of blur
As they raced to complete the puzzle
I’m aware that’s a slightly lazy metaphor
But I only studied English to GCSE.
Anyway, I digress, at last, having consulted
His wife Magda and his best friend Curtis,
He realised it would be for the best to have the extra hands removed. He had spent all his money on having the hands grafted
In the first place so he had to go NHS for the removal.
This meant waiting. So he just sat at home and watched
His Hornblower box set on repeat.

It was kind of ironic because when he’d first had the extra hands
Attached he used to sit in his armchair smug
That he could do so many things at the same time
But now he was stuck at home unable to do anything.
It was pretty bleak. At night he began to dream of having
Just two hands again that worked normally
And he started to realise that although life had been getting on top of him
A bit when he only had two hands, he figured it wasn’t so bad
And that when the surgery was over, he would be much more
Appreciative of just having two, regular, fully functioning hands.
I guess there is a moral to this story somewhere.
Finally he got a date for his operation and it coincided
With his mother-in-law’s birthday.
She had been appalled at the whole affair,
But that was to be expected because if you go by the widely-held
Stereotype, mother-in-laws are pretty much appalled by
Anything that doesn’t involve the drive to the conception of,
Or the spending of time with Grandchilden.

Thankfully our hero had provided her with two grandchildren,
But she was still wholly suspicious of him and resented
The money he spent following Redhill FC around the
South of England every year.
That was money that could have been spent on educating the
Children privately in her opinion.
Anyway, I digress again. The operation was a success
And the two hands were safely removed from his chest.
He had them put in formaldehyde where they are now
Presented in a museum in London.
In an unprecedented case, it is illegal to take a Rubix Cube
Within 1 mile of them because they twith.
Sadly, he was no longer the djembe player he was before,
But comforted himself with the fact he had the use of two hands again.
His mother-in-law was just annoyed that her 63rd birthday had been
Overshadowed by his surgery.


from Two Hands is OK, released January 17, 2011



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